When Friendship Stops Being Automatic

On effort, asymmetry, and choosing connection

As I approached retirement, I worried a bit about how I would maintain social ties with my colleagues and friends at work.  Like many career-focused people, my circle of friends largely revolved around work.  I’ve got way more LinkedIn contacts than Facebook friends. When 90% of your social life is work-adjacent, what happens when that framework isn’t around anymore?

I actually started seeing this in the latter years of my career, working in a geographically scattered organization, with remote work options encouraged even before the Covid-19 era.  After-hours functions dwindled to almost nothing. So even before I retired, it was a challenge.

My friends at work tended to be in one of two groups: my peers and managers with whom I’d worked for a long time, and were close in age to me; and younger teammates whom I’d mentored, most with young families and very busy lives.  As I thought about maintaining those friendships, I knew that some were bound to fade away. 

I knew the burden would lie heavily with me to initiate contact and make the effort to keep in touch; after all, I’m the one with more time on my hands.  I try to be the one who turns the general, “we need to get together and catch up”, to “yes, let’s!  I’ll ping you next week to see when works for you.”  The habits of scheduling and follow-up haven’t left me.  Most relationships are a bit asymmetrical at any given time – that’s natural and okay.  I think the trick is to just recognize when the effort seems too one-way. 

I do appreciate, though, that my small circle of friends (casual and close) is not big enough to keep me  from being isolated.  As a solo retiree (living solo for the past 5 years since becoming an empty-nester) I don’t have a partner with their own social circle to leverage.  I’m going to need to expand mine.  I’ve found a few paths, just exploring my interests – golf lessons have introduced me to a lovely group of other retired golfers, and my passion for cruising has led me to a community of retiree cruisers that I have loved traveling  with.

I’m less worried now about maintaining work (and other) friendships.  I’m learning that effort isn’t something to resent — just something to notice. Retirement doesn’t just free your time. It offers that chance to actively decide what to do and with whom to do it.  In many ways, work made friendship automatic.  Retirement makes it intentional.